It Has Been Awhile

I cannot even use the end of fall semester or the business of the holidays as an excuse for not writing in such a long time. In fact, it is merely because I did not have the desire to write. That sounds awful, but for quite some time now, I did not feel that I was in the right state of mind to write. If I could explain that feeling, I would, but it is quite difficult honestly. I am not sure that I even understand it.

Nonetheless, this holiday season has brought a new hope. Thanks to a special someone who picked me up when I was down, I was given some encouragement that I found to be extremely helpful within these past couple of days. There are things outside of my control, and those things do not deserve my attention. That spent energy is a waste and I have learned that my perfectionism and Type A personality do not mesh well with lack of control on a situation.

This presented itself with a conflict in my mind: thinking that I had surrendered all I have and all that I am to Him, and yet still stressing and complaining about every detail on an assignment, relationship, or characteristic of myself. That is exhausting.

To say the least, I have felt robbed of my joy.

Being encouraged to simply say, “Help” aloud when praying is too difficult, or stopping to breathe when even that gets too hard, has been a game changer for me this Christmas season. Life is not in my control, and therefore, I need to stop trying to take that control away from God. This is nothing “new,” for me , but it has gotten quite old–the stressing and complaining.

I am personally not a fan of New Year’s Resolutions, and that is in part to making changes regularly. This perfectionism/stress characteristic of mine is something I have tried to change time and time again. It never seems to work. I have come to the conclusion that I must live with it. Stating it this way almost seems too negative, and if I am striving to be more positive and live from within an inner joy daily , I must allow my foundation to be rebuilt.

I must admit, I desire a new beginning. A new foundation. A strong, unshakeable, and confident foundation. One where I can finally find God in order to find myself. I yearn to know who I am in Him. That means, knowing Him—-> discovering the real me (how God created me).

“Help” has led to hope and now I am well on my way to joy.

Merry Christmas.

hope noun [hohp]

1. a strong and confident expectation

John 16:22Amplified Bible (AMP)

22 So for the present you are also in sorrow (in distress and depressed); but I will see you again and [then] your hearts will rejoice, and no one can take from you your joy (gladness, delight).