different

I got my camera out for the first time since moving to Pittsburgh. I sure have missed this fella. (stay tuned for the photos from the shoot on the BeyondBethanyPhotography tab of this website) For now, here is a glimpse of the week through my lens...

Bike Update:

Soooooooo sad news, I did some decent damage to my bike. Good, a.k.a. awesome-amazing-great-superb, news is I have the best people in my life. No arguments whatsoever. Two months ago when moving to the city, I was connected to a wonderful family by some of my adopted-Ohio-family. Needless to say, it makes sense why we all just get one another. This family has welcomed me in with open arms, and their extension of love leaves me on my knees, in tears, with hands raised, thanking the Lord. That is exactly what happened when they came over to my place with some handy-dandy bike equipment and discovered that the impact of my fall bent the derailleur. One thing I love even more than my battle wounds is learning new things. I was fascinated with the mechanics of the bike, although simultaneously overwhelmed because of the similarities to car maintenance. I mean, I thought I left all this mess when I sold my car! --NOPE. Just found it in another form. Yet, I was so kindly informed that this bike (much like I was taught by my loved ones surrounding me with automobile care in Ohio) was made to fail. Better yet, the way I fell and did damage to the bike demonstrates the bike's proper mechanics. The bike functioned just as it was made to. So, there is the bright side, right?!

As if having the family come to look at my bike was not enough, they decided to take care of the damage for me. I mean, c'mon. How many tears does a lady have left?! I know that this season is teaching me a lot about receiving, but it is so stinkin' hard when I am a natural giver. Time and time again, dear friends and family come alongside me to bless me, and I do not think they will ever understand the impact. "Thank you" just never, ever, seems enough.

Without the bike, not riding this week in addition to last week, gave me the perfect excuse to not work out. It felt great at the time, but I am not typically one for excuses, so in all honesty, I was not happy with myself. Starting today, I have added another small goal for the week --onto my first small (and accomplished) goal of going to bed at 11pm each night this past week-- exercise for a half hour for 5 days. For those that know of my health conditions, guess what?! I went outside tonight to run, and completed a full 2 miles within 20 minutes without any stopping!!! It was beautiful out, and I needed a break from studying inside. I went with a mapped-out plan in mind, and simply decided to not look at my running tracker until I finished that path. When doing so, it read 2 miles and I was in complete shock! First of all, I have predominantly used my bike for exercise since moving here, and secondly, my neighborhood is filled with hills. Sure, my pace may have been a bit slower going up the hills, but at least I never stopped. Man, I cannot believe it. Two weeks out of any activity (set aside from the steps of daily living...PGH folks know exactly what I mean haha) definitely set me back, or so I thought. Now, I feel a tad bit better about starting this academic-heavy week ahead of me. Prayers, please.

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The real reason for the title of this blog stems from a deeper part of who I am. Everyone has their flaws that they struggle with, and for me, there is no temptation or need to compare myself to others because I spend so much time comparing the me of today to the me of yesterday, the met of two weeks ago, the me of five years ago, etc. This is a flaw that I would could perfectionism. It has its pros and cons. I mean, sure, always striving to be better and stronger is a good thing; but often times, and in my case, the striving can get to be exhausting and slightly damaging.

Since high school, I have been blessed to receive the necessary tools needed for a learning disability. Nothing I was ever ashamed of, but never proud of either. Just like being super short, or extra muscular, I thought a learning disability was just a part of me. Except, unlike the physical attributes of who I am, this one could be something I could work on changing, or even get rid of. As a result, I tried to get rid of it for years. I did so by seeking help, taking the extra time I knew I needed, isolating myself from others to tune out the noise, and spending more time with God. All of those are good things, but internally, I think I was holding out for a miraculous healing. Now do not get me wrong, I stand here as a testament of God's miraculous healing, so I definitely believe in it. What I am saying though, is I think this has been hitting at one of the hardest questions within my faith journey---what if God chooses not to heal?

Twice this week I was encouraged to embrace all that I am. God is not permitted to say what He has to say multiple times, but He certainly will if He wants to. I am a firm believer that He chooses to use and speak through those who we may never anticipate Him to use either. Both of which were my case this week. As hard as it was to stand up and do what I have always done, I did it. But why was it so different this time? Well, I think it was because I noticed the progress I made. I could see God's handprint on my learning disability. I finally felt as though I was growing stronger. So why turn around? Why go back to where I was? Am I not healed?

What I actually think God is saying (I am still figuring it out to be honest) is that yes, I have progressed, but my learning disability places me in a position to fully depend on Him in order to perform at my best. It is not so much a disability, as it is an ability to lean on and trust in Him. I can pray and prepare and pray and prepare as much as my heart desires, but ultimately, that is still me doing it in my own strength. Because I stepped out this week, much will be changing, and I am unashamedly asking God to continue humbling me. This is not about me scooting my way to the top, but about me becoming the best PT that God has called me to be. I would never ever want to put His plan for my life in jeopardy. As I have mentioned before, there is much for me to learn in my grad school program, but I must argue that God is teaching me far me outside of those courses.

This week's lesson hurt-- a different kind of pain than my bruises and scraps from the bike accident. This pain was one of surrender. If letting go is easy for you, kudos. For this lady, perfectionism yells into my ears, leaving the subtle loving whisper of the Father to practically drown out. I am glad He chose to put others in my direct path this week to give the necessary tough love to push me in the direction of looking into the mirror to see who is really there--flaws and all.

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Towards the end of this week, there were many fun fall fellowship festivities taking place. Of course, I had to go to them all. My church held a thanksgiving-style dinner where we all gathered around the big tables to share a meal. I sure loved that. It was super yummy, and conversation was just as filling as the food. Growing to become a part of this new family has been one of the best parts about Pittsburgh! After eating, we joined in worship and communion together. It was delightful and very needed for the closure to my school-week.

The other group that I have invested deeply in is the bible study group at school. These people are on fire for the Lord and care to know Him more. Naturally, I cannot help but want to be around these people too. Just add apple cider, homemade biscuits, laughter, fall crafts, pie, music, and potato soup to all of them, and you've got a match-made in Heaven! Having everyone get together was such a blast. I could not be more blessed. Those fours hours seemed to fly by, and I simply did not want the evening to end.

The event was super exciting, and by the end my pyromaniac-like tendencies came out. I decided I wanted to experiment. I know, I know it is against the rules, and slightly dangerous, but eh...I could not resist the urge.

*KIDS DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME*

So maybe the first thing you want to do with a munchin' punkin' is smash it, make it into a pie, or sit it on your stoop. I love to do all those things too, but this time...I just wanted to light it on fire. In case you were wondering, pumpkin stems do not light well, and when they do light, they sorta smell like cigarettes. Useless knowledge perhaps, but there you have it! haha

I cannot wait to continue growing with my CCF family. They encourage me to keep going, they grow alongside me every week, and they help to sharpen me. There is not much more I could ask for.

#smileamile Update:

I "counted" the different reactions I received this week, and let me tell ya, what a variety. If I could effectively break them down into categories, I think this is what I would end up with:

1. already looking up, made eye-contact, and smiled back

2. looking down, then looked up, made eye-contact, and smiled back

3. already looking up, made eye-contact, then looked the other way

4. already looking up, looked behind me, never made eye-contact

5. looking down, never looked up

6. looking down, then looked up, made eye-contact, walked past, then turned around to talk

7. already looking up, makes eye-contact, looks away, makes eye-contact, looks away, makes eye-contact....so on.

My favorite one this week was this morning when waiting for the bus to go to church. This woman was walking down the sidewalk, leaving/going to work (she was in a uniform), and as she approached me, I looked at her, and she turned to look below at her feet. I said, "Good morning!" She then laughed, as if I was joking. When she realized I wasn't, she lifted her head and said "Oh! Well, hey, good morning!" and smiled. Now we were on a corner, and she had quite the brisk walk, but still manage to go a step further and asked me, "How are you doing?" to which I responded, "I am doing well, thank you. And you?" At this point, she was around the corner, no longer looking at me, and out of my field of vision too, but still yelled and responded, "I am doing great!" as she laughed from around the corner. That was it.

I am not all that sure why I am so fascinated by this self-induced experiment, but I cannot seem to help it. I am encouraged beyond words when the individual on the other side actually engages; it is as if something special happens. What is it about the eyes that is so easily captivating, or so easily avoidable? That contrast. Is it that our eyes speak louder than any of our actions or words? Is it that our eyes give access to what we think and feel internally? Eye contact is becoming more and more important for intentionality and vulnerability, in my opinion. We make it so easy to push aside and keep to ourselves with our phones. What is so scary about it? I just don't get it. I want to look into your eyes. I want to know you. I want understand you. I want to smile at you. But....I can't....because you are looking down....

I will keep going, one smile at a time.

Enjoy this video I came across in my Youtube wanderings. (My study breaks typically consist of looking up dance videos). This video randomly showed up in my feed, so I watched it and immediately thought of #smileamile. If you dare to join, I would love to hear about the reactions, and blessings that comes your way!

Have a great, intentionally-restful, spiritually-filled and productive week!