Conversations With Jesus

I have been having many of these lately. Throughout my journals, I find pages and pages of prayers. For some reason (I have yet to find out why), writing out my prayers has been easier than speaking them out loud. I think that in my trial and error of practicing silence and solitude, I always end up feeling like a failure. No matter how successful I am at keeping my mouth shut (as difficult as that is), I can never seem to quiet my mind. So, by writing my prayers down, I am able to use my kinesthetic learning style, which helps me feel like I am actually accomplishing something.

The constant whirlwind of overanalyzing, processing, reflecting--- It's the worst. I just want to turn it off. To hear God's voice above my own...oh, how it feels like it could only be a dream and never a reality.

I am ready to change this for 2017 and forever.

I am certain that my blog has shown a pattern for my hatred for New Year's resolutions over the years due to their tendency to sound cliché and promote giving up within two weeks. So, let me assure you, this is definitely not a New Year's resolution post; but rather, an attempt to make some serious lifestyle changes.

So, the update on Bethany? Short and sweet.

1. In my reflection of 2016, God has shown me a TON: a ton to be thankful for, proud of, and humbled by.

2. It is no longer my goal to blog every week, but once a month (this seems more realistic).

3. I have just completed my first week of my second semester of PT school.

4. It is good to be back in my city.

5. I am putting more habitual actions in place: going to bed, waking up, exercising, and spending time with the Lord at the same times of the day.

6. It is super cold, but I still love riding the buses through the city.

7. God has (again) already shown me that I am here for far much more than to pursue my DPT.

This weekend I had the incredible opportunity to share a cup of coffee, and wonderfully deep conversation, with a friend. Over the holiday break, there was much reflection, as there always is with me, but there is something about fleshing out what goes on inside amongst others, who know and love the Lord, that is truly uplifting. I have not had a conversation like this one in a long time. It left me feeling challenged, encouraged, and everything in between.

Within just one week of being back, life has certainly sped right back up again. To go from chaos, to nothing but time, back to _________ ...well, you see, that's just it. This time around (as in my second semester), I do not want it to get to the point of chaos. Perhaps that was just a feeling, and not a reality last semester---something I created for myself? I am not sure. Nonetheless, I do not want it.

I have been journaling more than ever. Yet, the conversation with my dear friend made something deep within me come alive---as if Spring was becoming in me. What if the conversation I had, that seemed to go hours on end, effortlessly, passionately, and willingly, could be what I have with Jesus? Seriously.

This is not some psychotic way of dealing with loneliness, but it is about a relationship. I fear that as much as I describe myself as a relational person, I have failed to have a relationship with the One who wants it with me the most. How can I expect to have a relationship with Jesus if I do not talk to Him? ---I mean TALK to Him. That kind of talk where you just cannot wait for those three bubbles to pop up on your iPhone. That kind of talk where you rush home to tell your significant other about everything you experienced that day. That kind of talk that makes you stay up for hours because you do not want to be the one to say goodnight. Yeah, that kind.

That is why this is no New Year's resolution for me. I refuse to see prayer as a chore, a to-do list task, or a spiritual discipline any longer. I am now choosing to see prayer as the primary component of my relationship with Jesus Christ; and more than anything, I want a relationship with Him.

In addition to prayer, here are a few other convictions for lifestyle changes I have begun to implement in 2017:

1. Active listening

2. Reading leisurely daily

3. Living by 'less is more'

4. Less screen time

5. Fighting depression and anxiety with joy and positivity

6. Going where it is uncomfortable/Doing the uncomfortable

7. Embracing me for how God made me

8. #SmileAMile aka. smile more

First week into the new year and none of this has been easy. Especially the silence. I read in a book (which I plan to give a review of in a future post-so stay tuned!) that silence is Satan's playground. Silence, however, is also where God's peace becomes known. So, you can find me on the battlefield, my friends...

Be encouraged by this video I came across today. I think it does a far better job of explaining how to accept, acknowledge, and appreciate where God has you in this very given moment than I could. I know it helped me to see where this time of PT school, and feeling like I am doing absolutely nothing for the Kingdom of God, is actually the exact place God wants me to be. Now the next step [and where I currently find myself], is how to love where God has me for all that it is worth: loving the mundane of studying, loving all of the alone time, loving all of this silence.