Long Time, No Write

I could write for forever about how I have truly intended to post updates more frequently, but then I would feel terribly sad. Reality is, grad school is CONSUMING. I would love to say that I have found the magical balance of work and play, but that is not the case. So, if any of you readers have applicable and practical tips, I am more than open to comments and advice! Seriously.

Well, here I am. At the conclusion of my SECOND semester of PT school!!!! AHHHH!!!! Pardon the excitement, but this is truly something to celebrate. The best part is that absolutely none of it was me, but all God! Every morning has been a challenge to wake up feeling worthy of being in such a demanding program, let alone finding the motivation after countless failed attempts at success. Nothing about this semester was easier than the first, contrary to what I was previously told. However, there was something that was different...my support system, my studying strategies, my prayer life, my involvement in Pittsburgh, and my self confidence.

If you choose to continue to read, I simply want to say thank you because this is me---pouring out my heart, in hopes that someone will hear God speak, feel His presence, or be drawn closer to Him.

My support system before moving to the city was minimal. I was thankful for those I had, don't get me wrong. However, those few loved ones were not at arms reach; whom I would see, or hear from, on a daily basis. Call me needy or whathaveyou, but my top love language is physical touch, with a close second of quality time. There was a peer in my class who came up to me one day and said, "Do you need a hug?" To which I replied with an astonished expression on my face, "Yes...why yes, I do." I was shocked, pleasantly encouraged, and deeply touched. You never know what something as small as a hug can do; and for me, it turned my day right-side up. Additionally, as friendships grew with those I met at church and school, there would be an increase in simple daily check-ins. Again, I may be attached to technology more than I should be, but I crave community and when my head has to be in the books constantly, texting seems to be the most convenient and least distracting. The most simplest of texts can truly lift my spirit. Without the friendships I have made this semester, I would not have made it in the least bit.

Prior to grad school, I never studied in groups. It was never my thing. I never found it beneficial or worth my time. I do not intend to sound antisocial or rude, but talking about the amount work we have to complete is never helpful for me. Rather, it causes my preheightened levels of anxiety to increase even further. And here is a little secret about me (which is not so much a secret anymore since my blog is public), I shut down when anxiety envelops me. I lose all sense of self, and especially of God's goodness. For the entirety of my 16 years of education thus far, I have experimented and strategized ways of studying that would work best for me, specifically in regards to reducing anxiety in preparation for exams. Nothing would ever work. I realized the one thing that I decided was not for me [i.e. group studying], would be the very component I needed to give a second chance. Ugh, but let me tell you, I definitely did not want to. I took the first big leap in reaching out to some peers, and thankfully they were willing and kind enough to let me join them in studying. What I found is that talking things out with others, even if most of the talking from my end involved questions and clarifying information, it is better than me sitting in my apartment with only white walls to bounce my thoughts off of. It is something I am definitely needing to still work on, along with trusting that others actually do posses a work ethic. I will take the few victories of this second semester so they can propel me into the third semester, with a continuous effort to be more of a peer than I have ever been before.

I also discovered a fun library that is just a hop, skip, and a jump away from my apartment! So when I choose to study by myself, and do not want to spend my nonexistent money of coffee (because we all know I would rather explore coffee shops), I can go to this library. My favorite part is that walking there forces me to take a break from the books. On those walks to and from, I have talked with God. Those talks have been tough, but He has reminded me that He goes with me every STEP of the way. That reminder is not so tangible when I am take the bus or ride my bike.

Talking with God is a theme threaded throughout all of my blog posts, I feel. Sometimes that frustrates me, and then other times I realize that it might the very place He wants me. I will be the first person to recognize my flaws within my spiritual walk, and I will also be the first to say that I can fix them. ERNT! Wrong! Ugh, but this is one of my least favorite lessons to learn: that I am not in control. I am not even going to pretend that "letting go and letting God" fixes things either. Ew. Instead, I choose to take the approach that while life can be really poopy a ton of time, God has always been, always is, and always will be good. This approach involves praying without ceasing. I used to take on a particular posture of prayer, but I have personally found that to be too legalistic. Now I much rather talk to God before picking up my phone to text someone, before walking into class, before getting on the bus, when walking through the city, and for people I see in coffee shops. This is not the type of praying I grew up with and I am sure is the case for many of us. You know, praying in church before service, at the table before a meal, or at our bedside before going to sleep. Not that those are wrong, and believe me, I am more than thankful for my upbringing, but I knew I needed to break these habits if I was to access the relational component of my Father, and not the genie in a bottle concept we often hear about.

The component of my prayer life which still convicts me is that it does not feel as natural to talk to God as it does to talk to someone tangibly in front of me. You might be like, "duh Bethany," but no, this is truly frustrating for me. I sincerely desire my praying without ceasing to be as exciting as my conversations with my best friends in coffee shops---or even better.

I have found myself getting more involved in the city and I could not be more thrilled. Now you might be thinking, "Is that wise? How do you have time for that? Are you compromising your studies?" The answers to those questions involve yes, yes, and no---and also that I have prayed about every single step. The very act of putting more on your plate is often seen as "Ooh she is important, she is productive, she is doing things and going places," and I am as guilty of that perspective as the next person. However, that is not the case here. I needed to get involved in the capacity of serving in order to find purpose and fulfillment because I was made to serve. In previous blog posts, I have mentioned time and time again of this overwhelming sense that this season of life is nothing but selfish: I am the one in grad school. I am the one without a job. I am the one who cannot tithe at church. I am the one who cannot drive to help others. I am the one who cannot pay for anything. I am the one who has to study instead of spending time with others. Me me me. Ugh, I hate that. So, I decided to do something about it. I have recently accepted the voluntary social media position at church, and have been able to see God work specifically through my passion of photography. Instead of wasting time on my personal social media accounts, now I spend time on the church's accounts, serving, and glorifying God through the very gifts He has given me. Additionally, I have accepted a leadership position at the bible study group on campus. Here, I will be challenged to dig into God's Word on a deeper level in order to prepare a lesson to teach to the other students. I am humbly overwhelmed with thanksgiving, because giving back is a part of who I am at my very core. While on the outside it may seem as though I have piled onto my plate, internally I could not have made a better choice.

Yes, I am aware that this very well could be a season of receiving; but in not giving to some capacity, it did not matter how much I was receiving, I still felt empty. It is with outstretched arms and open hands that you can both receive and give. This is where I choose to be.

This semester also challenged me to look in the mirror differently. I was never a fan of the strategy of pulling your shoulders back, lifting your chin, and assuming the power stance. I thought it sounded stupid, and worse yet, would feel stupid. However, like my studying strategies mindset, I felt as if there was nothing else I could try other than this self confidence power stance. So, before every exam this semester, I would stand in front of the mirror, look myself in the eyes (which is very uncomfortable for me since I am used to looking at and critiquing my body in the mirror for dancing technique), and literally have "locker room pep-prep talk". And just as I thought, it both sounded, and felt, stupid. Yet, I had to throw that out the window and keep going. I am not saying that I have found the magic touch, but I am beginning to realize that grad school is not as much about the academia as it is made out to be. Even moreso, it is about the internal battle of finding oneself, embracing that person fully, and loving that person intentionally. I am awful at all three of those, but I have not given up.

As you could have expected, my updates revolve around grad school, but my prayer truly is that there is a lesson here, within my words, for everyone. Whatever it is that you are going through, be encouraged that God is for you, He is not against you. His goodness far outweighs anything you face because it is not contingent on our circumstances. And where your shortcomings land, God not only fills the gap, He exceeds it.

Peace to you, my friends.